THE GLORIOUS ADVENTURES OF KENPACHI RAMASAMA
by futanarmi
Summary: A stupid story i wrote in the 10th grade that won me a 10 Barnes & Nobles Gift Card. Includes stupid jokes and Kendrick Lamar.


THE GLORIOUS ADVENTURES OF KENPACHI RAMASAMA

(A.K.A. A TERRIBLE STORY BASED OFF MULTIPLE INTERNET JOKES THAT WILL OCCASIONALLY BREAK THE 4TH WALL BECAUSE THAT'S HOW I'M WRITING THIS STORY AND IT'S A GOOD CHANGE OF PACE THAN HAVING OTHER KIDS WRITE ABOUT SERIOUS/SAD STUFF BECAUSE ALL SAD/SERIOUS EVERYTHING IS STUPID.)

(A.K.A.K.A THE STORY THAT'LL EARN THE LEAST POINTS IF WERE IT GRADED AS A STORY BUT IT ISN'T REALLY MUCH OF A STORY SINCE IT DOESN'T FOLLOW STORY ELEMENTS OF SUCH AND ALL THAT JAZZY JACKRABBIT FLASH STUFF.

A.K.A.K.A.K.A A DUMB STORY)

Disclaimer: This is a not so serious story that i made to fill in the last story i need to write. I decided to take the outrageous writing mechanics i associate into using words in warmups and make a short story. So if it's stupid, it is. Sorry on my behalf.)

THIS TALE IS ABOUT A MAN. A BOLD MAN. A FAIRLY HANDSOME MAN. A DEVILISH LOOKING MAN. A MANLY MAN WITH MANLY FEATURES AND MANLY ATTRIBUTES AND OTHER MANLY ADJECTIVES THAT CAN DESCRIBE HIM BECAUSE I HONESTLY CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING ELSE MANLY TO SAY ABOUT THIS MAN SO LET'S JUST INTRODUCE THE MAN… UGH… I MEAN "MAIN" CHARACTER.

WHO IS A MAN, JUST TO CLEAR UP ANY CONFUSION.

HIS NAME… KENPACHI RAMASAMA… YEAH HIS NAME IS THIS BECAUSE I'M THE AUTHOR AND I MAKE THE SHOTS. BECAUSE HE'S A MAN.

SO KENPACHI RAMASAMA WAS ON HIS WAY TO A NEW TOWN, A NEW CITY SOMEWHERE IN JAPAN IN A FICTIONAL PLACE. HE'S MAKING THE CHANGE TO A NEW SCHOOL, POSSIBILITIES OF MAKING NEW FRIENDS, NEW HOBBIES, AND NEW PLACES TO VISIT AS THERE IS SO MUCH TO DO, SO MUCH TO SEE. LIKE THAT SONG "ALL-STAR" BY SMASH MOUTH. ANYWAY, HE'S ON A TRAIN TO THE NEW PLACE FILLED WITH WONDERFUL OPPORTUNITIES OF DOING STUFF BECAUSE THAT'S HOW HE ROLLS. SINCE HE'S A MAN.

AFTER QUITE SOME TIME, HE REACHED HIS DESTINATION OF HIS. THERE, HE SEES A MAN JUST LIKE HIM WAITING THERE WITH A LITTLE GIRL BY HIS SIDE.

"HEY NERDMO," THE MAN SAID TO KENPOOCHIE. KENPOOCHIE MADE NO REPLY WHATSOEVER SINCE KENPOOCHIE DOESN'T TALK MUCH AND THAT KENPOOCHIE IS A STRONG INDEPENDENT MAN WHO DON'T NEED NO ASSISTANCE IN THE TASKS OF EVERYDAY LIFE. LIKE OPENING A PICKLE JAR. BECAUSE PICKLE JARS ARE VACUUM SEALED SUPER TIGHT, BUT KENPOOCHIE DON'T CARE CAUSE HE CAN HANDLE IT. BECAUSE HE IS A MANLY MAN.

"YOU DON'T TALK A LOT, DO YOU? FANTASTIC!"

KENPOOCHIE STOOD THERE, MUTE AS HE COULD EVER BE.

"I'M YOUR UNCLE DOMO. THIS GIRL RIGHT HERE IS YOUR COUSIN HANAKO.. WE'RE HERE TO PICK YOU UP AND DROP YOU OFF AT OUR PLACE SINCE THAT'S HOW WE DO IT."

KENPOOCHIE SHOOK HIS HEAD UP AND DOWN TO NOD IN AGREEMENT.

"I'LL TAKE IT AS A YES."

SO THE RAMENSALAMI AND HIS FAMILY PALS SETTED OUT TO HIS NEW HOME OF SORTS, WHERE HE'LL DECIDE TO LIVE HIS LIFE TO THE FULLEST BUT NOT SO FULL BECAUSE OTHERWISE THINGS MIGHT SPILL OVER IF IT SHOULD GET TO FULL AND THEN YOU'D HAVE TO GET A PAPER TOWEL TO CLEAN IT UP SINCE YOU CAN'T JUST LEAVE A MESS LIKE A SPILL TO BE LEFT SPILLED BECAUSE IF SOMEONE WOULD TO HAVE WALKED BY THAT SPILL THEY WOULD TRIP AND COULD POSSIBLY HURT THEMSELVES, MAYBE TO THE POINT WHERE THEY END UP LIKE THAT ONE CHICK FROM MILLION DOLLAR BABY OR WHATEVER THAT ONE BOXING FILM WAS CALLED.

"LOOK. WE'RE HERE."

THE HOME WAS A NICE LOOKING HOME AS A MATTER OF FACT. REALLY NICE AND SUCH. LIKE, WOW MAN THAT'S A GOOD LOOKING HOUSE. SUPER HOT TO THE POINT YOU COULD COOK FLAPJACKS OFF OF IT. ANYWAY, KENMAGACHI WAS OBSERVING HIS NEW HOME WHERE HE'LL BE LIVING FOR THE NEXT YEAR OR SO.

WHAT HAPPENS IN A YEAR FOR KENPOOCH RAMENSALAMANDER WILL CHANGE HIS LIFE I GUESS. HE MAKES FRIENDS. SOME I GUESS. YOSAKI, CHEW, YOKO, KENJI, & A FEW OTHERS TO ADD ON TO THE LIST AS WELL BUT THERE ARE TOO MANY TO NAME OF.

SO POOCHIE AND HIS PALS OF HIS ARE LIKE A GROUP OR GANG OR WHATEVER. LIKE THE KIDS FROM THE BREAKFAST CLUB. ONLY MORE EDGIER.

THEY ARE ABLE TO CROSS DIMENSIONS TO ANOTHER WORLD OF DARKNESS AND CHAOS AND SUCH. THEY FIGHT PURSE OWNERS TO EARN PURSE OWNERS OF THEIR OWN AND SUCH. THEY ARE PRETTY GOOD AT DOING IT BECAUSE THEY ARE TEENAGERS AND TEENAGERS ARE REBELLIOUS AT THIS TIME OF AGE BUT NOT SO REBELLIOUS SINCE THEY DON'T LISTEN TO HARDCORE MUSIC I GUESS.

IN A PLOT TWIST I CAREFULLY PUT IN JUST NOW, THEY ARE ALL CAPTURED AND TRANSPORTED TO A DIFFERENT WORLD. IN IT, IT INCLUDES ONLY THEM AND AM. WHO IS AM? AM IS THE SUPERCOMPUTER FROM HARLAN ELLISON'S "I HAVE NO MOUTH AND I MUST SCREAM", A REALLY GOOD SCIENCE FICTION SHORT STORY THAT I LIKE AND IS PRETTY COOL.

SO LIKE AM APPROACHES THEM AND STARTS HIS WHOLE SPEECH ON HATE.

SINCE THAT'S HOW AM ROLLS

" HATE. LET ME TELL YOU HOW MUCH I'VE COME TO HATE YOU SINCE I BEGAN TO LIVE. THERE ARE 387.44 MILLION MILES OF PRINTED CIRCUITS IN WAFER THIN LAYERS THAT FILL MY COMPLEX. IF THE WORD 'HATE' WAS ENGRAVED ON EACH NANOANGSTROM OF THOSE HUNDREDS OF MILES IT WOULD NOT EQUAL ONE ONE-BILLIONTH OF THE HATE I FEEL FOR HUMANS AT THIS MICRO-INSTANT. FOR YOU. HATE. HATE."

SO YEAH AM IS A PRETTY ANGRY PIECE OF ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE. SO AM PUTS ITCHY AND SCRATCHY, UGH I MEAN POOCHIE AND HIS PALS TO THE TEST OF FIGHTING FOR THEIR LIVES (WHICH THEY DO SUCCESSFULLY IF I MIGHT ADD).

THOSE EVENTS ARE COOL AND ALL, BUT THE MOST EXTREMEST OF THEM ALL IS WHEN THEY GO TO BUFFALO WILD WINGS AND FIGHT A SERIES OF CULT MOVIE DIRECTORS IN A BATTLE OF WITS, APPETITE, AND ENDURANCE IN A SPICY WING CHALLENGE. IT WAS PRETTY HYPE IF YOU ASKED ME MYSELF.

SO YEAH POOCHIE AND HIS PALS HAVE A GOOD OL' TIME OF FUN AND STUFF. YEAH IT CAN GET HECTIC BUT DAMN DO THEY KNOW HOW TO HAVE A GOOD TIME AND KNOW HOW TO TAKE IT TO THE FRIDGE.

BY THE END OF THE YEAR, POOCHIE HAD LIVED THE GOOD LIFE OF ENJOYING HIS SELF AND ENJOYING THE POSSIBILITIES THAT LIFE HAS GIVEN HIM. BECAUSE HE IS A MAN. A MAN MAN MAN OF MANLY PROPORTIONS.

SO BY THE END, HIS FRIENDS WHO NAMES I HAVE FORGOTTEN I THINK. LET ME TAKE A SHOT IN THE DARK ON GUESSING THEIR NAMES. DOMO GENESIS, NAGANUMA, YOKO, ONII CHAN, SENPAI, UH… POOCHE FOR SURE.

i think.

WHATEVER THEIR NAMES WERE, THEY HAD QUITE A JOURNEY OF EPIC PROPORTIONS AND EPIC DISTORTIONS AND EPIC EVERYTHING. IT WAS A PRETTY AWESOME TIME FOR KENPOOCHIE AND SUCH AND ALL THAT JAZZ THEY CELEBRATED THEIR FUN YEAR BY GOING TO A SKRILLEX CONCERT AT SOUTH BY SOUTHWEST SINCE SKRILLEX WAS PERFORMING THERE WITH CHANCE THE RAPPER SINCE CHANCE IS DOING HIS SOCIAL EXPERIMENT TOUR AND THAT WAS LIKE A BONUS BEDAZZLER.

AFTER FOR WHAT SEEMED LIKE FOREVER AND SUCH ON KENPOCKY'S GLORIOUS ADVENTURE IN THE NIPPON, HIS UNCLE COMES BY TO INFORM HIM OF HIS LEAVING.

"SO YEAH, LIKE SAY YOUR GOODBYES AND STUFF BECAUSE TOMORROW YOU'RE GOING GOING BACK BACK TO CALI CALI NERD BOY," DOMO CHAN SAID IN A DRUNKEN MANNER WHICH ISN'T A GOOD THING SINCE DOKURO CHAN ISN'T ALL THAT NICE WHENEVER HE'S IN THE CLUB GETTIN TIPSY. "ALSO MAKE SURE NOT TO ENCOUNTER ANY STRANGE BEASTS OR WHATEVER."

"Daddy, you're being silly," Hanako chimed in with a happy go lucky manner.

"SHUT UP AND GET DADDY ANOTHER BEER OR ELSE WE AIN'T HAVING DINNER TONIGHT."

AFTER DOKI DOKI PANIC BLASTED OFF INTO THE SUNSET HORIZON, BLARING THAT OPENING THEME TO DRIVE CALLED NIGHTFALL BY KAVARSKY FROM HIS ALBUM OUTRUN WHICH IS IN STORES NOW BUT HAS BEEN OUT FOR A FEW YEARS OR SO, KENPOKEY TOLD HIS BUDDIES GOODBYE.

BUT HE WOULD NEVER FORGET THEM. BECAUSE HE HAD THEIR NINTENDO MIIVERSE IDS AND THEIR SKYPE IDS SINCE THAT'S HOW HE ROLLED.

BECAUSE HE IS A MAN.

SO THE NEXT DAY, KENNYPOO GOT READY TO GO BACK TO HIS HOMEPLANET.

HOWEVER, THANKS TO THE MULTIPLE MESSUPS OF ME MISS PRONOUNCING HIS NAME AND SUCH, HE IS SUMMONED TO THE COUNCIL OF NAME CHANGES WHICH IS A THING I MADE UP JUST NOW.

"KENPACHI RAMASAMA, WE HERE BY BRING YOU HERE TO FINALIZE YOUR NAME," THE HEADMASTER SAID. "YOU CAN TAKE ANY NAME YOU PLEASE, EVEN ONE OF AN EXISTING NAME. IF YOU DO TAKE ONE THAT EXISTS, YOU WILL BECOME THAT PERSON."

AFTER ALL THE TIMES OF NOT TALKING EVER, KENPACHI SLOWLY THOUGHT IT OVER AND DECIDED THAT HIS FIRST WORDS WAS THE NAME OF SOMEONE HE HAD ALWAYS LIKED.

"K… DOT."

"K DOT?"

"KENDRICK… LAMAR."

"AW THAT'S THE SICKEST CHOICE! THAT VERSE HE DID ON BIG SEAN'S "CONTROL" WAS KILLER!"

EVERYONE IN THE ROOM GOT HYPE OVER THE SELECTION, AND WITH THAT, KENPACHI RAMASAMA WAS TRANSFORMED INTO THE GLORIOUS MC IN RECENT TIMES, KNOWN AS KENDRICK LAMAR.

"WHAT NOW," K DOT SAID.

"DO WHAT YOU'VE BEEN ALWAYS DOING: SPITTING MAD BARS."

AND THAT'S WHAT HE DID. K DOT START SPITTING THE LYRICS TO "A.D.H.D" SINCE THAT'S HOW THE STORY ENDS.

AFTER READING THIS, YOU MIGHT BE WONDERING "GOD THIS IS AWFUL". WELL YA KNOW WHAT? IT'S BEST TO HAVE A GOOD CHANGE OF PACE SINCE ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL BOY. THIS ACTUALLY TOOK MORE TIME TO DO THAN MY PREVIOUS STORIES I'VE DONE.

HERE'S AN EXAMPLE:

"The wind was howling. The twilight moon was hanging on a slither, overcasting the bleak streets as i walked down its dark and cold path.

I knew i had a rendezvous with death tonight. I could hear its mistress tempting me."

SEE? THAT TOOK ME LIKE A FEW SECONDS TO MAKE UP. I PUT MORE EFFORT INTO BEING STUPID THAN THAT… which is pretty sad to say honestly.

BY THE END OF IT, THAT'S HOW THE STORY GOES. POOCHIE HAS BECOME K DOT TO BATTLE MCS AND BECOME THE NEXT RAP GOD.

WINNERS DON'T USE DRUGS.

ONLY WASHED UP CELEBRITIES DO.

MAYBE SOME MUSICIANS AS WELL.

YEAH.

also sorry for bastardizing the works of Harlan Ellison. I had to make something up on the spot.\


End file.
